Toolio was fat: FATTY

So today I am fat. I know, I know (Jude screaming, "WHAT?!? WHAT?!?"), I am petite. But today I am fat.

See - once a fat girl, always a fat girl.

And you know, it has nothing to do with my size or what I've been eating. I've been pretty active all Summer and I'm down 2 pounds right now.

But for some reason I looked at the Halloween costumes today and felt like a saggy, old, fat lady. I watched video from our Summer vacation and thought (out loud, of course) "what a heffer". I thought that it would be a joke if I ran around in the Catwoman suit again this Halloween. Not that it doesn't fit; it does.

NO- I am not anorexic (mom). I realize what size I really am. I think I am just discovering new views of my body and I'm not happy with it.

I will always feel fat sometimes. Like an alcoholic still says they're an alcoholic, but they finish every statement with "sober 12 years".

I am an obese woman, "thin now for 3.5 years. Haven't been fat in 42 months and counting!"

I wonder how long this will last. I wonder if I will every really be okay with how I look. Honestly, I am not happy with how I look sometimes. Other times I feel like I'm a showstopper (honest, now). Most of the time I just need a shower.

But seriously - I don't want to be this concerned with how I look. I am healthy, fit, and trying to fix my food lifestyle.

So if the the short term goal is to stay healthy and make good choices, the long term goal would be to stop worrying about my appearance, right?

I have to worry some though, don't I? I'm not going to run around without makeup and (god forbid) last season's coat?!

Oh PLEASE. Who am I kidding?

I think I just need to get my roots done and I'll feel better.